Slipping-
by 3D.2why
Summary: In which the world lives in years but Sawada Tsunayoshi lives in lifetimes. AU
1. he is a bitter eclipse

Slipping-

Summary: In which the world lives through years but Sawada Tsunayoshi lives in lifetimes. AU

* * *

When he sinks, it's quick; dark and almost as if everything changed from one scene to another.

But in that one second of transition from one life to another, is something he could never forget, some _thing_ that cannot be conjured, played away at a screen for it is too delicate, something you would never let anyone see, buried within the depths of your lies and dreams and hopes.

It is a moment of judgement, a moment where all your layers are stripped, a scene where you are exposed, a breathtaking and somewhat sorrowful act like the birthing of a new mouldable being.

(Because there is death as well as life)

It is where you are poked and prodded by bored Gods, expected to pick yourself up from wastelands and dry deserts and from within your own filth. It is where you are humiliated and everyone stares at you with knowing gazes.

(Imagine slipping away, piece by piece, wisp of a flame he cannot reach and eyes dimmer then his teenage years-)

This is death.

It was as if the Vindice night flames were sucking his resolve from him, the cold, the ice spreading throughout his body as a five-year old and the childish mantra of ' _Why? WHY?_ ' before there is unimaginable pain in the soul. An unnatural blankness, unnatural stillness which holds the world, the very sky hostage and threatens to end all.

(He is Sawa-)

It was hell, that one second of transition, that one second where he is sinking, where all his nightmares and insecurity and sins come together, encasing him.

( _I'm sorry-)_

Burning him, shouting and shaking his body, delving into what should not be touched, the memories of an easily broken, fragile being whose threads of life, whose connection to death have already been severed at the same time.

Simultaneously.

Who is he?

(It was reincarnation, time-travel, a phenomenon without the effect of anyone actively trying anything, it was a miracle).

It was death.

( _With my dying will-)_

* * *

When he awoke, it is to soft lights and sunshine so with a flutter of his eyelids he is face to face with a ceiling and even though he should not since it's been years he knows, exactly where he is but he cannot comprehend exactly _why_ -

His Hyper Intuition is barely here, far from his control like his flames currently, a pinprick that he cannot reach, and the thought scares him.

Yes, he, ( _I am_ -), Neo Primo, Vongola Decimo, man who changed the Mafia world is afraid.

But he, ( _Sa-Sawada! Sawada…)_ , Neo Primo, Vongola Decimo, man who changed the Mafia World, is also twenty-seven years of age and now dead.

 _Dead._

 _And he does not know his name._

 _Sawada?_

 _That is not his name._

Death.

The thought is surreal, the word something unimaginable, unattainable, unexplainable.

Well, unattainable for those who are living and still want to be living.

(Humans fear the unknown)

 _Dead._

 _I'm… dead?_

Bright lights shining on his form, breathing, flames out of reach but still _there_ ; a resting comfort and so the statement confuses him.

 _Dead? How am I dead? I'm breathing, aren't I? I'm living, aren't I? My flames are still here._

 _My bonds… my (fraying, fraying, futilely grabbing for something that is not_ _ **there**_ _) bonds are gone…_

The last few hours almost seem like a dream but the choking and stench of vomit and overwhelming feeling of weightlessness and his resolve slipping through his fingers along with darkness and Sawada stretches out a hand.

(And among the tears blurring his vision, the breath his body refused to take, he can still remember the empty silence and empty space which his own hand grasped).

It was all so confusing to Sawada who was told, with spittle and red faces of those who lay below him, facing what is most feared: death, that he was going to hell, he was to burn for all the blood on his hands and the screams and tears he caused.

And yet, despite all, _they_ applaud him, clapping him on the back with a grin and yet, they do not see the dark flames hidden within the purity of another- the same, pushed to the back where not even bonds that transcend what couldn't be believed can reach.

( _They_ made Sawada, taking an easily mouldable being, a flame of purity in shock, awe and vulnerability and tell it to love with all of it's being and resolve and warmth and teach it to kill those who dare attempt to fight against that love.

-This is the darkest thought, a buzzing that comes when he one step away from broken, one step away from _I'm done, I'm done_ -

Mama's teaching never stood a chance.)

Sawada has sins, has regrets, has blood, weaknesses.

Sawada is not perfect and so, when he hears the unmistakable voice of his mother all he can think is why?

 _Why the hell am I reincarnated? Or maybe the better words to describe this situation is time-travel or some sorts._

Sawada didn't ask for this, he was content with roaring flames of hell because in all honesty he deserved it.

Sawada had pure flames, yes?

But his intentions were selfish, his flames are selfish, his entire being _selfish._

All Sawada wants to do is protect his friends, _family._

If it means destroying the Mafia world, so be it.

If it means killing, killing, all senseless, wasteful killing and losing himself, losing his way.

So be it.

(And that's the final statement, the echo of a mallet in a room that judges and the place where the promises and mantra that held all the pieces _crumble_ and _crumble_ -)

Sawada would carve the blood, bury the bones, commit sins, drown the world with tears and burn the very fire itself; all this dragging behind him in his reign to his ideals.

His ideals.

For family.

(For them).

 _But who is he?_

And when he enters his safe place-

all dark, lonely, nothing never, ever lively, grey patches of everything and Sawada sets himself free. Slumping, hands shaking and eyes all teary and head clouded with regrets thicker then what mists attempt to go through to delve in _what must not because we are all broken people who try to shine and stand and survive_

This is where Sawada mourns, missing all the parts of himself-

 _the weakness, fungi that would've have gotten everyone killed_

-left on a shelf to rot and die.

His kindness.

His mother's teaching.

 _Weakness_ , they hiss.

Sawada squeezes his eyes closed, regretful of conforming, of all this _normal_ he has squeezed his heart inside, folded his soul into.

 _Tonight, I am all the things_

 _I was told that I should be;_

 _but none of those_

 _I have always wanted to._

Starting with his first kill.

Ending with his empty eyes.

This is how Sawada slowly dies.

(Thoughts slowly poisoning his own mind and flames weaker, dimmer- _)_

* * *

 _And so begins the decay of Sawada-_

* * *

Hours passing by, one after the other.

Phone beeping and mouth full of liquor.

( _Sawada Tsu- Natsu?)_

This is how he spends his days, curling up in his dingy home, vomiting and sobbing, pleading, arms outstretched for what, he does not know.

Maybe, in another universe, the warmth of a ring will snap him out of his 'Tantrum', as Reborn would have called it.

(Sawada Tsu-Natsu doesn't believe, not for one second, his tutor would have said that if he were alive.

 _Hyper Intuition never lies_ ).

Renato Sinclair is a man raised with knives and dead lives and webs of lies that trap those who take an outstretched hand with a false smile and teach you not to cry or you will die.

Tsu-Natsu is not.

And that, is the crucial difference between the two.

(Where Tsu-Natsu is Sunshine and somehow still sadly murky, and hopeful and young.

Where Reborn is broken, cracked mirrors and stains and sins he will encase with a false smile).

And there is nobody else in his twenty-seven years of age that Tsu-Natsu can rely on like Reborn to go to.

This is how Sawada Tsu-Nastu dies.

Sweaty and broken and alone and-

reminiscing

 _Ah, that is my name._

 _I am-_

"Dame-Tsuna

Vongola Decimo

Neo Primo."

And yet, has anyone ever called him Sawada Tsunayoshi for the sake of calling him Sawada Tsunayoshi?

Has anyone ever befriended him because he is Tsunayoshi, not Sawada, but Tsunayoshi?

This is how Sawada Tsunayoshi dies.

Imagine living though one second of hell itself and before that point sacrificing morals and dreams and before even that, saving the world.

Now, imagine waking up-

imagine waking up in the past

(Where everyone else has not, in fact, gone through everything he has, who are blank slates and are easily mouldable beings and are able to laugh without guilt and blood-soaked fingers-)

Is it any wonder-

and this is how Sawada Tsunayoshi lives.

* * *

notes: this just came to me out of nowhere. I think I have a vague idea of what this fic is going to be about but still debating so don't expect updates from me anytime soon...

Extra Note: Ignore Mukuro. Let's just say that Mukuro is an impure soul, because he has never witnessed 'true' death because no matter what happens in his reincarnations, he will always has attachment to his real body.

Tsuna doesn't.


	2. there is no sense in reliving a pattern

Slipping-

Summary: In which the world lives in years but Sawada Tsunayoshi lives in lifetimes. AU

* * *

Tsuna's vision as a baby is blurry, of course, it's a wonder he even recognizes his house.

Tsuna heaves a disappointed sigh, attempting to coordinate his baby body and is very much unsuccessful. He certainly didn't expect to be some prodigy, or Reborn or something along those lines however...

He has a purpose, he has a resolve, pinprick may it be, Tsuna has dreams right now despite all.

Despite waking, everything wrong, _wrong, **wrong**_

(He also has fears and nightmares and the sky has never felt so far away.

But... isn't he the sky?)

Naturally, his perception of time is off, a lot, not to mention he cannot control his baby body's urges.

Scream if he wants to eat, scream when he wants to be changed-now wasn't _that_ humiliating-scream for anything really.

And annoying. Annoying to his mother who's eyes are half-lidded with lack of energy.

Sawada Tsunayoshi can remember his mother; petite woman, gentle woman, emotional woman, mothering and worrying woman.

Tearful woman who has stained every single corner of their house with tears and smiles and lies and Tsuna remembers his baby pictures with his mother stressed bags underneath her eyes but love still the same as now, even as an adult.

(It should not come as a surprise when Tsuna burns down his house the moment his mother's death reaches him, right in front of civilians. Flames and a blaze that is his dying will, promises and excuses and letter in his back pocket and tears buried in the rubble never to be found.

 _murder, murder, murder, useless father_

Because nobody deserves her house, house of tears and still shining brightly. House of regrets and memories and Tsuna will not let this house exist any longer now that the owner is gone).

Tsuna cannot control these urges to help his mother who bothers tearing for his useless father who smiles and can never see.

As he mentioned before, his perception of time is off, muscle memory gone and just generally usless right now.

And

Tsuna

does

not

like

that.

(Vongola always get what they want in the end).

There is a black book, only a sky flame with the Vongola emblem blazing inside will allow it to open.

(Of course it is Talbot's creation).

Inside are all the dark secrets, all the regrets, all the doubt of the bosses- dark things or shameful things they want to forget.

Tsuna recalls burning it.

The black book desperately trying to survive, flaming papers scorching the wood of his private apartment and black, neat ink in words that could kill and save and destroy becoming dust, nothing but ashes of a past that once was a present- which everything eventually becomes, really.

 _the past_

Tsuna writes everything down and Reborn wonders so he burns it, kills his weakness, his predecessors weakness.

Vongola's weakness because Vongola should never have a weakness.

 _after all there's no road for the settled dust, no truth in the ashes and no ink splodged and flames are devoured and yet-_

"He sent a letter today, Tsu, isn't that great?"

"Never forget... your father loves you and I love you!"

"He's working hard for us! Be proud to have such an amazing father!"

"Ah... he sent roses today, I'm so thankful to have a wonderful husband!"

There are tears in Nana's eyes, flames dangling lonely far from the line of balance and sanity.

The colour is barley there, a faded yellow that seems to defeated but when alive, bright, bright orange that dances and wrapping anyone in a cocoon of warmth and happiness.

And now, seeing here like this, orange and still living and surviving, an opportunity, Tsuna takes it.

Tsuna takes the goddamn chance of a future where his childhood house doesn't smell of lies and tears and breaking of soul, the stench vivid as a child before it becomes muted, everything under-water, echoing before really being understood.

But still being understood that everything is not as it seems, the swinging shut of a door that hides secrets and revelations.

Saying it, reading it, doesn't sounds bad, thinking about it maybe but living it... is hell.

("Hey mum... are you home? The door's locked."

"I... uh... tripped down the stairs."

"I am trying my best! Honest!"

"I'm a bit sick today... can I stay home?... please?"

"Is... is Dad dead? Oh... he's not... OK, sure, yeah."

"I joined a karate club that's why these bruises... I'm working really hard mum!")

Nana hums, Tsuna in the crook of her arm and she smiles, all innocence and sunshine and unquestionable love in her eyes that Tsuna can't bare. His young fingers will be soaked in blood, staining his face and body and mind and shadow and soul and flames.

Mother does not know but Tsuna thinks, despairs, hopes maybe a little and hates himself for it, that Nana will still love him, smile on the edge of her lips, eyes as sunny as usual and head tilting at a mischievous angle, brown hair sweeping past her shoulders charmingly.

(And Tsuna has never loved another being more than his mother, more than his _home_ )

Tsuna closes his eyes and sleeps, ignoring rainbow sets and responsibilities.

* * *

" _Ah, he's here now_ ," Someone booms, voice loud in the expanse of whiteness around them, boring and eye-numbing, Tsuna stands in his former form, coloured flames surrounding him from all angles, watching his every move.

" _Hmm, well of course, we've called him after all_ ," Another says, feminine and orange flames pulsing in her comment, Tsuna thinks that she must be smiling at him... well this is the impression he receives.

"What is this?" Tsuna asks, crossing his arms, maintaining control in the situation, utterly effected, completely cool and previously wide and emotional eyes as a teen now narrowed, brown orbs expressionless, disinterest leaving him in waves and Tsuna thinks he's successful but-

" _What are you playing at, boy_?" Red asks, flames fizzing and Tsuna can feel his own rising to the surface, bubbling up from within and he contains it quickly. " _What makes you think you can hide from_ us?"

Tsuna tilts his head, eyes flashing orange and something dangerous with his very existence flowing into the air, smoothly moving his body to a not very obvious fighting stance and apathy gone, curiosity and blood thirst of a dragon that needs to be sated.

But these flames are far above the realm of a simple _dragon._

Tsuna knows this but he would not be Vongola by bond, by heart if he didn't try to fight despite all.

(Because blood cannot change and Tsuna knows all to well; blonde locks rare in his life)

The pressure comes slowly, but quickly the moment Tsuna notices, overwhelming him and he breath hitches dramatically before outright coughing and splutters, dropping to his knees and struggling hard but can only press his palms to the ground trying not to collapse, eyes amber and flame roaring defiantly on his head before fanning out a moment later.

The red flame seems to almost raise, as if it's position before was merely slumber, towering over Tsunayoshi and he can almost imagine the sneer to accompany his words, " _Who do you think_ **I** _am? Foolish mortal... your puny ember could barley-_ "

" _Red,_ " The orange one speaks softly, all kindness and sternness in her voice and yet red falls quickly, resuming his usual mass of fizz instead of the raging storm towering Tsunayoshi who can finally feel the oxygen entering his lungs. " _Mortal he may be in this... you know, do not test him and treat him with respect."_

" _I don't see why we should?_ " Blue asks, and Tsuna can vividly imagine them tilting their head. " _I understand but isn't this the perfect time to rid of him?_ "

While Tsuna certainly wants an answer to the words 'Rid of' he won't pass off this chance to gain information-

" _My, my, human. You think you're rather sly, aren't you?_ " Violet observes, voice completely distorted but their's something familiar, bells ringing in Tsuna's head.

" _So you finally figure it out?_ " Purple chuckles. " _Do not say his name, he's the only one living among us in the living world and we do not desire him to play around with you... mists are very tricky indeed."_

Tsuna raises an eyebrow. "But he can see me, there's no logic to this."

" _No_ ," Green decides to answer, completely unbothered by everything-indifference and laziness glaring in his voice. " _We made sure he cannot see you or your flames and hear your voice._ "

" _Oh? So you'll tell this mysterious stranger all this information, hm. It just makes me want to try harder to find out._ " Violet laughs, asserting threatening dominance and making himself known once again.

" _We won't let you_ ," Yellow grins, blazing and Tsuna cannot bring himself to look, staring stubbornly at his shoes.

"Look," Tsuna finally begins, face-to-face with Orange. "Why am I here?"

" _Good question_ ," Orange approves, almost smiling despite being fire and dread fills Tsuna's entire being, starting from his stomach before quickly spreading and ice in his veins crawling up his arms antagonizing and slow. " _For our amusement of course. We purposely picked you, making sure you are weak compared to us, but mostly because you have recently died."_

Yellow tilts their head in Orange's direction so Tsuna thinks there must be a lie in Orange's words and Hyper Intuition thrums underneath his veins.

Tsuna finds himself gritting his teeth, uncharacteristic display by the Vongola Decimo but these... _flames_ are the reason that he feels like this, like a teenager who's incapable of controlling their emotions. "What do you mean? Are you the reason I've currently a product of reincarnation or time-travel?" Tsuna demands, body hostile.

" _Hmm, something like that_ ," Orange smiles sharply. " _You'll just have to find out won't you? Goodbye... Tsunayoshi._ "

It's probably the first time in Tsuna's life his flames aren't flaring up, lighting a way, a path for him to go even without his guardians side-by-side with him.

Because here is the darkness, an unwilling coat being forced upon his very being and Tsuna wishes for anything else.

(he's used to this, you know, being forced to do things, _be_ things).

* * *

The days are as dreadful, as mind-numbing as usual with only thoughts to accompany and Tsuna, despite having all this time on his baby hands does not try to recall properly what happened in his transition of death and life, but worrying for three straight years, about those flames.

(And sharp smile and imposing figure and gazes of those who will rip him to shreds for daring to exist in their presences, for having the confidence to look them in the eyes.

Tsuna can remember himself being like that; all high and mighty and arrogant until Giotto snapped him out of it but, it never really left and Hyper Dying Will only increased it.

He remembers that everyone around him grew into that as well).

"Good morning, Tsu!" Nana beams, entering his room with Tsuna sitting obediently in his cot until she came, it was slightly degrading but if it's Nana then he doesn't mind.

"Mornin' Mama," Tsuna responds, beaming back up at her as she slides her arms underneath his armpits and lifts him up before settling him on the floor. "Breakfast?!"

Nana smiles, nodding her head and taking his hand. "Let's brush your teeth first, hm?"

Tsuna races to the bathroom, laughing all childlike and innocence and certainly not like him but he's practised enough for it to seem like it.

Maybe Reborn could tell, even though he doesn't know Tsunayoshi as well as before.

Waiting patiently for his mother to reach up and grab his toothbrush, coating it with toothpaste, Tsuna brushes his teeth unconsciously, movements from his past life that he integrates into his muscle memory now.

Finishing up, he takes Nana's hand. "Let's go! Breakfast!"

Nana smiles, adoring on her face and such softness Tsuna thinks he doesn't deserve, in the end even Kyoko couldn't look him in the eye anymore and yet, she...

Well, Tsuna reflects, she's unaware of the danger in her home, of the devil that shares her blood.

And that, that makes him feel a little better, coming a little closer to her warmth, that he took her child away.

So, Tsuna grows into his role as three-year old Sawada Tsunayoshi, but still he is a fake.

But, despite all, he'll have to make sure he does everything right in this time, to make sure he lives as old as the ninth himself.

Or, at least everyone that matters.

(Hyper intuition is blaring, sounding alarms but Tsuna blissfully carries on eating peacefully, flames rising slightly to his statement before settling down in the embers they are).

* * *

First day of school... is something he'd rather not deal with, all these memories in his head and all these problems needing to be solved and yet, here is Tsunayoshi at school.

He'll try not to be no good-Tsuna this time, he'll try to be a faceless person in the crowd, average grades.

Then, everything would be so much better, so much easier for moments to manipulate.

After all, no one would expect anything from someone who's been average for all their life.

And well, even if they dig a little deeper, Tsuna doesn't intend to sink deep into mafia until it comes for him.

But he'll be ready.

"I'm Sawada Tsunayoshi," He begins, shuffling his feet before continuing softly and more confident-to anyone who's an idiot because it's obvious he's completely fine- "And I want to have a good life!" He finishes with a beam and sits back down in his seat, in the middle of the classroom, after all, if he's integrated into the area, social circle, not necessarily having to speak but just looking like it all the time, then he'll be in the perfect role.

Someone settles themselves next to him and Tsuna doesn't react when he sees a blinding smile, hazel eyes glittering with happiness. "I wanna a be a baseball player!" Takeshi exclaims and everyone chatters, giving him a smile and Tsuna does the same, hiding the twinge in his heart that grows and squeezes.

He will keep his distance, making sure Takeshi never really knows his name.

Because he took away Takeshi's dream and this Takeshi here, with a smile will not be that Takeshi in the future and Tsuna knows this and he wants to change it.

Thus, he will stay away and when it comes for guardians to be chosen...

Yeah, well he'll leave that for the future.

Weeks pass and Tsuna doesn't confront the aching, the swirling mass of emotions that he is right now, people who matter passing by him every where he goes.

Takeshi, Kyoko, Ryohei, Hana, Shoichi, Kyoya.

He will stay away because he is a coward who gives reasons that is enough for him to stick to his half-hearted plan.

And that's all that matters in the end.

* * *

When Tsuna awakes to his mothers rather... _large_ amount of food being cooked, he debates before resining and asking, "Who's it for?"

Her eyes are sparkling, like a rekindled warmth and Tsuna thinks, that's not right, that's not true. What's the point if he's going to crush you again? Now I'll have to protect you, not that I mind, of course.

"Your father, Iemitsu is coming home, ah, I'm so glad," She smiles and Tsuna endures the rage, willing his flames to turn off for a second because that bastard makes her happy and Tsuna doesn't like that- for _her_ because nobody else saw how she turned out, how she changed and died a little every day. Maybe he should get her to meet someone more worthwhile, someone who appreciates that they have a goddess for a wife and loves her indefinitely, with all their bleeding-heart.

That idea is like an essay, editing and so many drafts ever since he was thirteen, constantly thinking _this_ , and _that_ but when she dies well-

it's too late, isn't?

He failed and here is his stupid father, having the audacity to come to the funeral like he wasn't the cause for her death? Stress, anxiety and _more_ but Dr. Shamal didn't bother elaborating, Tsuna gets it.

Tsuna gets the fact that Iemitsu cried over Basil who didn't die, guy might as well be his son, and didn't shed a tear for Nana, only standing tall, never collapsing into a heap Tsuna hoped he would.

(But maybe he did it in private, maybe he did it where the world isn't watching him, his son judging him, where his status as the Young Lion doesn't matter and his status a _former_ husband does).

Truth to be told, he shouldn't be blaming Iemitsu when he left as well, moving to Italy but at least he left Kyoko, Hana and Haru for Nana to converse, to have company.

But then they moved away as well, and Tsuna should've realized that Nana is a _sky_

and she is bonded

and she is broken

and she has been abandoned

And Tsuna knows that it must be a different type of agony because one's pain is unique to them and them only.

You can sympathize, empathize but don't _presume_ to understand.

They must be the butt of jokes in the mafia, sky-flamed woman broken and sky-flames child sealed.

What a fucking mess, in the mafia _no one would've even thought about such a thing._

Flames are the soul, are _you._

And skies were kings, queen, royalty.

And here they are now, suffering.

Tsuna doesn't wish to make his mother cry, doesn't wish to make her feel worthless, feel like trash because even her five-year old son can tell she is so, so tired.

But Tsuna isn't five but nobody knows that.

And he's okay with that.

But he'll make them _see_ , he'll make sure nobody underestimates him, can rely on him.

(if he even wants to go back, to grasp the same bonds as before)

"Okay," He whispers, and doesn't bother smiling because he only smiles genuinely to Nana who will be able to tell a fake-smile from him when he's truly not feeling it, even if he has years on her, experiences she couldn't possibly dream of and yet-

She wipes her hands on a cloth, taking off her apron and allowing it to drape over a chair, sitting on said chair and patting her lap for Tsuna to sit down on, snuggling him when he does so, arms wrapped around him, his entire self and Tsuna can barley believe, only sometimes, that all of this is happening.

"You don't like him?" She questions softly and Tsuna's known that Nana's been perceptive, most of the time ignoring and carrying on with vigilance Tsuna admired or hated once he realizes how _shitty_ that sounds _-_ all the time pretending there's no problems.

"No," Tsuna answers honestly. "Why should I love a man who's not there?"

Nana hums, "Oh? And do you think you're opinion will change when you meet him? Sometimes... it's worth seeing him for only a few times then never meeting him in the first place and you not being born," The lengthy answer is probably because Tsuna shows his smarts to his mother only and-

Oh

 _Oh_ , so it comes back to him again.

"So you only like him because he helped with the process of me existing?" Tsuna asks and Nana shakes her head, burying her face into Tsuna's hair, smile pressing into scalp as she holds him tighter.

"Of course not," She mumbles absentmindedly, happiness and love in her voice and something inside Tsuna is sick. "He's... Iemitsu, I love him with everything I have. Otherwise, why would I have married him?"

Tsuna is stone-faced, eyes on a picture of said man himself, finding his gaze would not move. "Society?" He tries. "Pressure? Family?"

Nana tenses before relaxing and Tsuna's child lip wobbles realizing he must've hit home. "I'm right, _right_?"

Nana sighs. "A little bit of pressure but... I don't know. The moment I saw him, I just _knew._ I was drawn in."

Tsuna wants to grit his teeth, shout and demand answers and rage but this is his mother who raised him and loves him for who he is and-

 _drawn in what kind of bullshit sky flames was he using on civilians to-_

"Point is... we're married and I love him. Not to mention divorcing would be a shame, _is_ a shame," Nana continues and Tsuna licks his lips.

"Then re-marry," He says simply, knowing it isn't really, but he can make it happen with his power... that he doesn't _fully_ have but he will train and won't let anyone disagree with him as a sky. "Get yourself a husband and me a father who cares," Tsuna should be guilty using his 'needs' as leverage but he's mafia, he's a criminal and he's already too far ahead anyway, too far gone to even _think_ about becoming better.

"It's not that simple," Nana shakes her head. "Even if I _want_ to-"

"Promise me," Tsuna interrupts. "Promise me by the time I'm eighteen you'll be re-married and I swear on my life I will make sure you have no trouble," Tsuna speaks firm, resolve and warmth in his chest growing into an inferno. "Promise me you will never go by the name Nana Sawada again by the time I'm eighteen, promise me, so that I can show you love and happiness in a person."

Nana is shaking, Tsuna knows this but he's determined and even if he has to destroy this world's beliefs and change society-

he'll do it, just for her.

With his dying will.

 _And that's it, no going back, here lies his list of things to fix, to do and he only increases the stuff burying him despite being as wide and accepting as the sky itself-_

Droplets are falling and Nana quickly wipes them away, voice wobbly. "I promise..." She whispers, flame in her slowly growing, rising for a chance to heal. "If you can... I'll put my life in your hands Tsuna."

It is stupid that anyone would put their life in the hands of a five-year old, hell the only reason she probably said it was to appease him and Nana would probably wave it off later, laughing until she realizes throughout the years that Tsuna is serious and committed and he _promised and swore on his life._

But that is then, and here is now.

One of the pot's lid flings itself into the air, clattering to the floor, steam wafts the space in the kitchen and easily filling up the space. Tsuna jumps out of his mother's lap whilst Nana screams in shock at the same time the bell for the door is heard, ringing loudly in the shocked silence and Tsuna laughs, guffawing and holds the edge of the table for support.

Nana does too, but not as hard as him, more nervous and turns off cooker and picking up the lid, putting it back on the pot and taking Tsuna's hand, bending quickly to give him a kiss on his head and winking at him before they walk to the door, opening it.

"Nana!" Iemitsu shouts, flowers in his hands, roses, how basic Tsuna sighs.

"Iemitsu!" Nana calls back, beaming with her eyes closed and Tsuna knows his mother is amazing but not that amazing she could con the Young Lion himself-

"Hello," Timoteo says politely, grandfatherly smile on his features but Tsuna can see it's well practiced.

"Hello," Tsuna greets back and faces away from his mother and father smooching, giving Timoteo his attention. "Who are you?"

"Your father's boss," Timoteo responds and ruffles Tsuna's locks. "I'm Timoteo, though you may call me grandpa... I've heard all about you, Tsuna, correct?"

Timoteo isn't a novice, more experienced then Tsuna can dream of and can possibly see Tsuna's calculated gaze, can see past his façade and maybe his intuition is ringing bells, Tsuna doesn't know.

But even so, Timoteo hasn't seen hell, hasn't been what Tsuna has gone through and Tsuna believes this is what makes Mukuro arrogant, what makes Mukuro strong and what makes Mukuro untouchable and someone you couldn't understand.

However, Tsuna would be inclined to believe that Mukuro hadn't gone through what he did because Tsuna is still scared, is still trying not to hyperventilate every time he broaches the subject in his _mind._

Maybe Mukuro could sympathize, though?

"Yeah, Tsunayoshi," Tsuna nods his head. "Nice to meet you, Grandpa."

Tsuna hopes that today would hurry up, hope that time would pass and tomorrow will be the new now, because he doesn't want those two killers- how hypercritical of him- in this house where something different may happen.

Where maybe Tsuna will end up _slipping_ and expose himself-

A hand lands on his shoulder. "Let's go inside now, " Timoteo whispers, comforting Tsuna even though he's sure that Timoteo doesn't know what.

And instantly, that dislike he had for Grandpa is gone and Tsuna thinks he needs to choose whether or not he hates or like because this is getting irritating.

But... Iemitsu he will never forgive, (maybe) even though he will save Nana and nobody will know the full extent, he'll still never forgive because _he_ knows and that's all that matters.

"My, Tuna-fish!" Iemitsu cries, happiness in his eyes, and picks Tsuna up, placing him on his hip with a grin, Nana snuggling around his other arm and looking completely content, completely at peace.

Tsuna knows for a fact that Vongola is fine, that Vongola still has, at _least_ two other candidates of the boss placement, and only Timoteo-maybe his guardians as well-know of Xanxu's blood so technically, in everyone else's eyes, three people.

Iemitsu is stubborn, even though they could've been a happy family- he is stubborn and ruined them and Tsuna will not accept this no matter how much it may hurt Iemitsu.

The bastard had his goddamn chance and now he's lost it.

Tsuna wrinkles his nose at the cologne, hastily put 'cause it smells fresh, and underneath that metallic and earthy scent which makes him scowl but removes it as Iemitsu beams at him.

"Do you know who I am?" He asks, eyes sparkling and Tsuna wants to scoff, to tell this man to get out of this house and never come back, to rage and hate and fight and move far, far away but instead he settles with a shrug, not exactly confident in his speaking skills currently. Iemitsu doesn't take this to heart, and with Nana's giggle, he raises Tsuna eye-to-eye, ignoring squirming and with an utterly serious face he proclaims, "I'm your papa!"

Tsuna deadpans, stopping his fidgeting and Iemitsu takes this to advantage, throwing Tsuna up and catching him, ignoring Tsuna's screams _because it doesn't matter if he's the goddamn Vongola Decimo, he's in a child's body and no matter what he does, there are somethings a child will react to no matter what- like a reflex._

And this, Tsuna realizes, his stomach rising and fear grasping his heart along with another startled shriek, is one of them.

Ugh.

* * *

Narrowly escaping Iemitsu, Tsuna 'plays' outside, mostly checking on flames he hasn't actually released yet.

Which is kind of stupid now that he thinks about it-he's in the presence of two veteran flame users and they would be able to sense his flame activity so Tsuna heaves a sigh and picks up the stupid red ball in his back yard because why the hell not.

The ball keeps dropping from his stupid, clumsy hands and rolling away which he then has to run after and the process just keeps on going, on and on and _on_ -

Tsuna freezes, the dog growls and he isn't scared of dogs but his kid legs start to shake-grasp on his flames slipping with every step the dog takes.

" _Aaaaaargh!_ " Tsunayoshi screams, flames bubbling to the surface when the dog pounces on-top of him and he barley manages to reel them in as the door slams open, Iemitsu and Timoteo assessing the area for threats before letting their guard down a little.

Tsuna watches with hardly _any_ concealed interest, despite currently being mauled by a dog, as the hard expression on Granpa's face melts into a warm smile, but hand still grasping his 'walking stick' tightly.

It's Iemitsu who steps forward with a sigh, lifting the dog up and out the backyard while Timoteo crouches down to Tsuna's side, hissing sympathetically at the small scratches marring his arm. "Come, we'll get you some bandages-" he pauses, staring at Tsunayoshi intently who's back stiffens are the unnerving stare, sensing Timoteo's flames flickering, not a movement wasted from the Don and swallows as the man ushers him back into the house and in his mother's arms.

 _he's definitely sensed something back there!_ Tsuna inhales deeply and tries to relax his tense muscles, worried even if his intuition isn't blaring any _shiiit I'm going to die this moment_ alarms so Tsuna feigns exhaustion and creeps into his room to plan for the worst.

(he doesn't, he only reminisces

of a blood-splattered father

crawling to Tsunayoshi's feet

and whispering

 _"i'm sorry"_

brown glittering orbs dulling

with no energy

for the first time

in tsuna's memory

...

and despite all Tsuna still doesn't know how to thing about the bastard who he grudgingly admits is as good as he is bad).

It's only a few hours later the two leave the house, Tsuna watches from his window and the mafiso and 'civilians' hanging around follow them after a while.

There's hammering in Tsuna's chest, hands shaking because he still has his flames

 _he still has his flames oh merde thank you_

Clenching his shaking hands, Tsuna bites his lip- a stupid habit he hasn't been able to control since his teens- and mentally discards every idea that he will play this world's Sawada Tsunayoshi because that chance is gone.

 _Today is... something. Everything's a free for all now,_ Tsuna muses, _all my knowledge of the 'future' might as well be useless- everything changes if you do something as simple as breathe, that's what makes a parallel world, alternative universe or whatever._

 _Everything's going to be different starting now and if I'm going to shape the future as I want it, to keep any form of control or composure as things change..._

 _I better act on it right this moment before I lose grasp of the cards I've been dealt with._

* * *

"Sawada Tsunayoshi," Tsuna introduces himself, finally approaching the kid who he's been avoiding with such vigour, such guilt but if he want's to survive _and_ keep his friends safe it's better to lead them to the Mafia hell where at least they'd learn how to protect themselves instead of being used by people who recognise their talent.

"Sasagawa Kyoko," she smiles, face stainless of blood and Tsuna can feel the sweat building up at the back on his neck but he still smiles back, albeit shakily.

"Would you be my partner?" He asks hopefully and a part of him waits for Hana to shout 'back off monkey' before realising they aren't even friends at this stage.

Kyoko smiles brilliantly. "Sure Sawada," she chirps and Tsuna's shoulders relax, he's been holding himself up all this time, just so... _happy_ that she's Kyoko who's happy and kind and amazing and brighter than the sun instead of Sasagawa who's a blunt weapon, only child and duller than the moonlight.

 _eyes open wide, smile falling flat_

 _"tsuna... why?_

 _why? why?_

 _whywhy **why** "_

 _there's blood splattered on her face, lucky charm falling from her fist and Tsuna feels his resolve go with it_

"Sawada?" Kyoko tilts her head and Tsuna stares back. "We'll meet in the library after school, okay?"

Tsuna nods after a while of silence and wonders how he's going to be able to speak to others if this is only Sasagawa Kyoko who was taken out of the war so quickly

wonders how he'll be able to face his guardians again

wonders how they would feel if they ever digged deeper than the others

and didn't find what they expected?

 _tsuna is broken, broken, broken_

 _thought of bonds_

 _holding him together_

 _and patch-work of a_

 _shambles life he_

 _fits into,_

 _wears like clothes_

 _and_

 _can feel his embers_

 _rising up always_

 _so he smothers him **self**_

 _everything is hazy_

 _drinks to numb_

 _and he's_ sli _pping_

 _he's gone_

* * *

edit: hi! It's been err a while-my summer holidays have come up and I thought _I just rlly wanna finish this damn fic shet_

so erm next chapter I intend to finish this 'childhood arc' thing then we'll be moving on

this is gonna seem kinda fast paced at times cause theres so much to cover omfg

like _don't worry_

this story will have a _lotta_ chapters and I'm so proud of the idea that's created this story I'm defo not giving in

I only decided to stop now bc holy shet I always turn everything into a poem

bare with me I'm a shitty writer and I have no idea how the beta thing works

ermmmm criticism? yeah constructive ones that's ma shet- no story is perfect

canon divergent? imam try as haaaaard as I can honestly expect some shet from this story bc there will be no lazy writing for me when I make an _actual_ plan, instead of the vague _meh_ one I have rn... sorry

also I like to do things that will only probably make sense to me ugh I'm sucha fooooooooool

like little scene of iemitsu's death w tsu's name first in capital which represents his status and the second time his name is mentioned without a capital to show his status as a _son_

also iemitsu and tsu have a difficult relationship which I hope to explore

... and everyone else of course hahahaHAHA

so that's it, welcome to this shitty story, refreshments are in the form of characters so tuck in, drool and enjoy yourself ;)


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